I’m not one for new years resolutions. I’m not one for resolutions and ‘fresh starts’ in general. Doesn’t really matter whether it is the 1th of January or a regular Tuesday in April.
You see, there is a lot of resistance within me regarding authority, even my own.
But the thing with resistance, is that it will keep hurting and bothering you until you’ve reached a breaking point. You can’t really do anything about it before that. Which does seem kind of weird. But at least for me, resistance is only workable after it blows up in my face. After I have reached the end of the line. After there is absolutely no other option that to give up.
Because that is what resolving resistance really is. Giving up. To say fuck this. No more.
To realise that the things you are doing to avoid something painful, has become just as painful as the thing you are trying to avoid.
To realise that you have to stop pushing against the train and let it run over you. Fuck this. I’m not pushing anymore. The pain in my muscles form pushing is as bad as the pain from getting run over by a train. Fuck this. I give up.
To resolve resistance is a way of approaching the same kinds of situations, but from another angle. Because we finally realised that the way we have always approached these situations, does not work for us. We are fed up with an ever-returning cycle. We are so tired that we have no other option of returning to the origin.
The origin of the resistance.
And it all started when I was very little. As a child, adults would make decisions for me. All for my own good off course. After all, what does a child know? I needed guidance and a firm hand to make me understand how to function in society and in life. All for my own good.
But the thing is, it never felt like it was for my own good. It felt like my own guidance system, my own mind and my own feelings and reactions, were not in line with reality. Internally, it all felt wrong.
I learned to distrust myself. Like I had absolutely no idea which things were right for me. All for my own good. Or was it for the good of the adults around me? For the good of a broken society, where nobody asked questions about why we do what we do?
Ever since I was very little, there has been a war between 2 fronts inside me. A war that has taken up too much energy. Until there is none left. I’m at the end of the line. I gave up. There is no other option than to make peace. To align those two fronts, who both think they are doing the best for me. To treat them as equals. To understand that they are fighting for the same cause, only opposed to each other.
Let the train come.
On the one front, there is the prisoner. Who refuses to be silenced and keeps making noise, because I’m so desperate to be heard. Who refuses to believe that what I naturally am and feel, is wrong. Who is proud and stubborn. Even when let out and interacted with, this side of me is kept firmly on a leash.
On the other front, there is the prison holder. It is the internal authority figure that took over from adults in my life. It is the authority that I keep coming back to. After all it is the only thing I know. Because I’ve learned not to trust myself. Not to trust that I would intuitively do what Is right for me. That if I would let loose of all control, I would only do stupid things and throw myself of the cliff.
Can the prisoner convince the prison holder that she is to be trusted to lead the way?
Can the prison holder convince the prisoner that she only tried to protect?
Can we work it out together?
And I do know that we can’t get anywhere without discipline and routine.
I do know that it is good for my body-mind connection to do yoga every day. That it is good for my overflowing head to write it out every morning. That it is good for my mind-spirit connection to meditate every day. That it is good for my body to eat well every day.
But dear god, how exhausting is it to have a 7-hour morning routine full of ‘shoulds’?
Soon, we need to have a conversation about my little business and all the ‘shoulds’ I found in there.
I have to work on my relation with authority first, before I can forge a healthy relationship with routine and discipline.
What I will do this year might not change that much, but my intention behind it will shift.
And even with this grand return to intuition I have to be careful. Careful to not make it to ‘I should’ follow my intuition. Or even more dangerous. ‘I want my intuition to lead to this’ or ‘I want my intuition to want that’.
Do I dare to unleash myself? Do I trust myself to really have my own best interests in mind? I guess I will find out. Maybe if I unleash the chaos, I will not feel so overpowered by my inability to get anything done. Maybe I have to let the train run over me and find out what is on the other side.
I invite you to join me, on this movement of intuition.