In my previous blogpost, I mentioned that I took on a writing challenge from DailyOm this year. Yesterday I felt it was the right time to take on the second lesson from a total of 52. I know, at this pace it'll take me 10 years to finish this one-year course.
The topic is lack. What is missing in my life? Or better, what do I feel is missing in my life?
It is something to argue about: Is our life the objective truth of it? Or our subjective interpretation of it? For me it feels like it is definitely the latter. Because aren't we all just reflections of a broken mirror? Isn't how you perceive the world a reflection of who you are? Your interpretation of life, is what really matters here in the development of your soul. That doesn't mean that you have to forget that there is indeed something as the objective truth, because it puts into perspective what real oneness could look like for us all.
Now that I’ve started off this deep topic with a deep distraction, making it clear that lack is a topic, uncomfortable enough, to make me want to procrastinate in getting to the point.
In today’s societal atmosphere, it is a bit of taboo, to talk about what you are missing. It feels like there is this gratitude bubble, edged with toxic positivity, especially in first world countries. Even in the spiritual self-help world, you're easily flooded with the message that you should be positive and attract positive things.
As if expressing lack, in definition shows that you're ungrateful. And ungratefulness is 'bad'. We are all so terribly afraid of being a bad person. The fact that I’m taking all this time to frame my coming words, shows that I’m no exception to this. I too, want to be a 'good' person. I want everyone to like me. And I'm not afraid to admit this. A sign that I've come this far with finding authenticity.
I even want to give you a solid frame here. There are many things that I’m grateful for. Sometimes I’m even grateful for the things I lack. This is however not an exercise in gratefulness. This is an exercise in uncomfortableness. This is me, admitting to my feelings, memories and reactions. This is looking at my reflection, stating what I see and accepting it as it is. This is an exercise in bringing myself out into the light, even though I’m is deadly afraid that I’ll be disliked and rejected and seen as a 'bad' person when reflecting on these things.
What do I feel that I’m missing? As always, my inner child holds the core of these truths. This is true for everyone. The way you were raised draws the blueprint for your life.
A very prominent state in my childhood, was feeling like a burden. I obviously couldn't take care for myself. No child can. I couldn't make food, go to the stores, wash and iron my clothes, ... I was completely dependent on, mostly, my mother and my grandmother. On top of being a burden in that sense, raising me costed a lot of money. Everything I needed was expensive. Now I felt like an expensive burden. There was done so much for me and I couldn't give anything in return as a child.
Thus, my ego stepped in, trying its hardest to protect myself from these feelings. It made me convince myself that I can't possibly ask for more, for anything, to anyone. I'm such a burden already. In fact, I don't deserve anything more. I was already in so much unrepayable debt. Asking for more would make me ungrateful. And ungratefulness was the absolute worst I could be as a child. I never showed my gratefulness enough. I not only felt like a burden; I felt like an ungrateful burden.
However, when my ego decided to add these techniques, of feeling like I don't deserve anything, protecting me from feeling ungrateful and in unrepayable debt, it could only do so to leave the other side of the coin behind. An opposite personality buried itself away in my subconscious. And that person who was buried away, feels like it's never getting enough of anything. It feels like I have a right to have anything I want to have, and I’m not getting any of it.
Thus, we arrive at the thing that I miss. Abundance and reward. One side of me feels like I don't have a right to get rewarded for anything I do because it would line me up with ungratefulness and debt. The other side of me is really angry and frustrated not to get anything in return for any work that I’m doing.
Both sides are really annoyed with each other. Both sides are currently in my personal mental therapy office, trying to find a way to find a middle ground once again.
Maybe then I will stop sabotaging myself when I wish for any form of abundance as a reward or consequence for the things that I do. And It doesn't necessarily need to be only money.
I'm so tired and burned out by giving and giving and giving. Maybe I shouldn’t care anymore if I’m ungrateful or not. Maybe I should cancel my debts. Maybe I don’t own anything to anyone. Maybe being born shouldn’t put you in debt towards your parents or caregivers.
Another thing that I’m missing in my life, is emotional connection. Which is basically a form of loneliness. Of course, this is 100% my own fault. Growing up, I got so afraid of showing and voicing my authentic emotional self, that I ultimately even forgot there was anything left under my positive shell. Ever noticed that I always smile when I talk? Well yeah, ladies and gentlemen, that’s my shell. The only way that I felt accepted, was when I was happy. Going in my teens, this rift within myself got so large, that I had manic depression for a while there. I would even forget when this sad, angry, fearful side would pop up. It was very small scaled schizophrenia.
Admitting this to myself, has been, and still is, very heavy for me.
Today I’m crawling slowly but steady out of my positive shell, opening my heart again to my full authentic emotional self. Whatever it may look or feel like. Trying to reach out of this emotional loneliness that is eating myself away. It is however still very difficult for me to show anything other than positivity towards other people. Like I physically cannot stop smiling. This is why writing is so healing for me. It is not only an authentic way of expression, fitted to my soul, but right now it also acts like a bridge. A bridge between my heart and my voice.
I thank you and me for letting me be vulnerable. Because vulnerability is the womb of growth and expansion.